The Art of Sovereignty
Tell me baby
When I hurt you
Do you keep it all inside?
Do you tell me
>All is forgiven?
Just hide behind your pride.”
This weekend my partner and I went out to have some wonderful vegan dinner at a restaurant in Hamburg called Leaf. It had been a while since we had been out, together and so we enjoyed it a lot. Also the balmy summer evening and the exquisite food did their part for this overall impression.
As we both like good coffee we usually have one at the end of a dinner like this. I already had looked forward to the moccachino as I often can’t have one in other restaurants due to my milk allergy (the chocolate powder most of them use contains milk). When it came to the question: bill now or after a coffee – my partner said:
“I don’t want a coffee. You can have some at home.”
And after that he explained he would be too tired to have a coffee at the restaurant and would want to go home.
The way he brought that to the table did not leave any choice for me and I noticed that I felt hurt. It pushed a lot of buttons within me. Please get me right: Of course I am totally fine with going home without a coffee when my partner tells me he is too tired to stay any longer. I also know that he did not mean to restrict my choice in any way or to control me. Yet, I felt very uncomfortable.
On the other hand I did not want to make a big deal out of it. I mean, I know that he was just tired and that he loves me and all that. Furthermore we just had spent a beautiful evening together. So I breathed with it. I breathed with being fine. Yet, something had become unbalanced.
Often we experience things like that and just swallow the bad taste. We take the unbalance because we don’t want to make it complicated or we think it is not important enough to talk about it. We even think it’s stupid or childish.
I felt stupid and childish, too. But the voice that is telling you that is lying. It is not childish at all. And it does not make you a bad person or less worth. It just is what it is.
When I noticed the next morning that this unbalance was still there for me and created an increasing inner distance between my partner and me I talked to him about this. We explained to each other how we felt, how our actions have been motivated and what caused our reactions. We found a consensus – which was easy as we did not really have different opinions – and created a new balance. All is well.
What I learned from this experience – and that is the reason I am writing about it – is this:
Often we do not talk to our loved ones about the things that move or hurt us because we think those things (or we) are too small. But swallowing all these seemingly small things can lead to just living next to each other with an increasing inner distance instead of living with each other in loving connection.
The thing is: When it is big enough that it affects your inner balance it never is too small to be mentioned. Because you are not small. You are love.
Sovereignty does not mean that nothing touches you. Sovereignty means that you are aware of what has an impact on you and how it affects you and that you have the clarity to deal with it in a way that allows you to maintain your inner peace and balance. That can look differently for every individual.
So, what helps you to be sovereign? Where can you allow more sovereignty into your life?