Meet the Shame
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Lately I have encountered again and again the feeling of shame. In most cases, it is old stories that are coming up. Sometimes they tell of events when I have done something wrong. Often, they simply tell lies and distort the truth.
In my experience it is not uncommon that such feelings are triggered by certain events, for example by destructive feedback, which was committed on one. Just as it happened to me recently.
Shame can be a very strong feeling and appear in many disguises. But you can learn to recognize them. Just like destructive feedback it leaves me, for example, with the feeling, that I was just plain wrong – but without any view on how I can make it better. Also, it triggers a sense of avoidance in me. I do not want to take a closer look, I want to shove it aside and run away.
And here I get to an important point. You see, I have found that the shame can only work for me if I do not meet it, when I look away, shove it aside and run away from it. Then shame has power over me. However, if I take a deep breath, stand tall, look at it and open my arms, then the feeling changes.
How exactly does that look?
1) Allow: If I realize that a feeling is torturing me which could be driven by shame, I allow myself to take a closer look, next time, it appears. This way the mechanism to simply shove this feeling aside is braking up.
2) Be love instead of right: If this feeling then shows up and accuses me of having done something wrong, I take it lovingly without defending and justifying myself. Even if I really think I did not do anything bad, even if I know that I have not done anything bad, I take the accusation. Obviously, there is an aspect in me, who believes insistently that I have done something wrong and does not drop it, regardless of whether this is the truth or not. Otherwise the allegations of shame would not resonate with me at all. So I encounter this aspect with acknowledgement and attention. I listen to it and say: Ok, suppose you’re right. Then what? This breaks up the old, repetitive pattern.
3) Accept: So what if it’s true and I did everything wrong, which I am accused of by shame? – Well, then that is what it is. I cannot change it anymore. Then I just made a mistake. This happens, I’m not perfect. (Perfectly imperfect at best.) Usually this is the point at which my ashamed aspect and I realize that everything really is not that bad. By acknowledging that I am not perfect, shame loses its power over me.
4) Forgive: And then I forgive myself together with my shame-stricken aspect for what shame accuses us of. Whatever it is. I take a deep breath, focusing on the indictment and say out loud: I forgive myself for this now. And then I breathe in the forgiveness with a smile. Through the integration of the mortified aspect in me and by the shared forgiveness shame has no more resonance in me.
Sometimes it surprises me how many events suddenly seem linked with a sense of shame. But with mindfulness and awareness I can solve these entanglements, again, step by step.
Have you ever been haunted by shame? How was that for you? Can you meet the shame? Do you have a recipe for how to deal with this feeling?
Much love,
Steffi
Hi Steffi, insightful post as always! We all definitely get triggered by outside events and people but certain people can deliver feedback and information in an unhealthy and unkind way. That never feels good! Their delivery and intention is about them, and not the person they are shaming. Having a belief that ‘we are wrong’ makes what they say seem right, but there is nothing right about cruelty or insensitivity. Many times I hear people say to someone they have hurt, “oh, you are just so sensitive” rather than taking ownership that they are being “insensitive” to the feelings of others. In the book, ‘The Four Agreements’ the author says to ‘not take anything personally.’ Easier said than done but a good rule and goal to strive for. Take care my friend. Best, Cathie
Hi Cathie!
Thank you for your warm and committed comment! Great insights! 🙂
What you say is something I experience as very true – that a believe that we are “wrong” builds a resonance point with shaming feedback. Otherwise it probably would not even reach us or at least we would not consider to believe it. Also, I love your straightness about that cruelty and insensitivity are never given with loving intension (often due to a lack of self-love). Allowing yourself to see it that way can be an important step out of the spiral of the company of what Julia Cameron calls “toxic playmates” – people who indoctrinate you with their beliefs about you in an unhealthy and blocking way.
I heard about the book ‘The Four Agreements’ and the tip to not take anything personally, before. I believe, the wonderful Valerie Davies mentioned it on my post about destructive and constructive feedback. For me, remembering this is, indeed, a very helpful tool to prevent myself from believing shaming and otherwise destructive feedback in first place.
I don’t know how this is for others, yet, I just noticed, that it does not seem to work for me when it comes to things that have already happend (e.g. years ago) – like, when old shame is coming up. Once taken in it seems I have to take responsibility for the choice I made, first (which was believing the shaming) before I can change my feelings about it.
I hope this makes sense…
Much love to you, my dear,
Steffi
I wrote about shame and guilt, in a general way on the whoisbert blog. Perhaps you can find both through the category cloud, or with the search button.
Shame and guilt both are silent stranglers. Better get over yhem asap.
Wishing you Strength, courage and love!
Thank you for the links! – They must have come in while I was typing my reply. 😀
Hi Bert!
Thank you for your compassionate comment! I will see if I can find the articles on your blog about shame and guilt. It will be interesting to learn more about your approach on this. 🙂
Yes, I can agree with you that shame (like guilt) is a strangler. Just that in my experience it is nothing to get over once and for all. I don’t know if you meant it like that, anyway… How did you actually mean it?
I see shame simply as an aspect or emotion that sometimes comes visiting and then it is good if I know how to deal with it and remember the tools. 😉
Thank you, also, for the good wishes! They are much appreciated – as, even when knowing the tools, shame is by its nature not actually a happy feeling.
Much love to you, too!
Shame – guilt and regret are emotions that stop progress and interfere so much with ego. Acceptance of the humaness in each of us is the only way to deal with it and of course the most important thing is learning from each incident. One day the past will not come close 🙂
Hi Lesley!
Thank you for stopping by and also taking time to share your perspective on this! 🙂
I agree that emotions like shame, guilt and regret seem to block flow and progress. May be they are just indicators where we need to take a closer look on our patterns and beliefs. 😉
And, yes, dealing with the past can sometimes feel like opening Pandora’s box. But when we allow that shift of patterns and beliefs we may find a box of treasures, instead. That’s, at least, how I currently feel about it.
Much love to the other side of the pond!
I will not argue – You seem to have found a way and that is what is most important – Love back 😉
😉
It’s always a pleasure to exchange perspectives with you, Lesley! 🙂