Stories from the Emerald Island Part IV
In honour of St. Patrick’s Day which will be celebrated by many people around the world, I choose to share some of the experiences gifted to me during my time in Ireland…
Something that accompanied me from the first time I set foot onto the Irish isle, yet did not come to my full awareness until short before we would leave, again, was that there was no judgment stealing after me like a thirsty vampire.”
Growing up and living in Germany it seems one is downright conditioned to feel judged. There is the cruel history of the Second World War. We grow up with the more or less subliminal doctrine that this generally makes us bad people. I mean, it is out of question that very bad things happened in Germany during that time. I just doubt that repeating the statements of guilt and shame like a mantra helps anybody. At the most, it brings back all the cruelty to the present moment and blocks healing and forgiveness for all participants. I believe the key might be to allow ourselves to just be better people in the Now; to forgive and receive forgiveness; and to take care that we create a future without repeating the old patterns of separation and cruelty.
Now, the Irish have their own package to carry. I am by far no expert in Irish history. But some things are just obvious and are still lingering in the present. There is, for example, the history of The Troubles in Northern Ireland, the suppression through the English and the firm hand of the Catholic Church that provide a surface for a lot of friction. I won’t judge any of this. I don’t even know enough about it to dare to believe that I would have an accurate picture of all the circumstances and correlations. All I can do is to notice what I notice, to observe and learn.
Maybe it is because of the fact that I was moving along outside a context of the history of my own nation… maybe it was the fact that I came to this new place without judgment, myself… what I know is that I felt free in a very special way for the first time in my life. It felt, like a load had fallen from me. Something, that had always been there and had worn me down without my actually noticing it was now gone.
I could not assign this effect to anything until that evening in March when Kim and I made a stop at our favourite Café in Dublin City Centre. We had a table near the fire-place. While we enjoyed our beverages a group of four nice ladies from Germany sat down at the table next to us. And suddenly this unnameable load was back, out of the blue, and sitting on my shoulders.
For an Empath like me it is so easy to pick up feelings and emotions from the environment and experience them as one’s own. After a check in with myself and then with the surrounding I noticed that I was feeling judgment and that it had come with the group of German ladies seated next to us. Not a kind of judgment that is aimed at somebody or something. Rather the kind of judgment which people have about themselves, of feeling small, unworthy or stupid because that is what they were taught to feel about themselves. That same kind of judgment that I had been carrying around my whole life without noticing that it is not the truth about who I really am. And at that moment it became clear to me.
I am very grateful for this experience. It brought so much awareness and clarity into my life. It helped me to let go of this old programing one breath at a time – I still do. And I do hope that in some mysterious way this experience of lightening finds its way to those wonderful German ladies, should they choose it.
Have you ever encountered old programmes from your personal or national history that you have been carrying around? Did you ever experience any kind of subtle or open judgement? How do you deal with it?