Feel through it instead of Fear through it
– Or: First Things First
Long time, no see…
…due to a break that did not allow space to be announced. This post came to me rather spontaneously and earlier than I had planned to write, again. It has been an interesting time – not to say a wild time. Loads of stuff happened. First it was this kind of stuff that cannot be put into words. A lot did happen but I could not really name it. And a feeling of stuckness seemed to come with it.
Then, since last month, things began to move rather quickly.
First, a long-time neighbour and friend of mine was brought to the hospital due to a terminal illness and I later learned that he will not come back. In fact, I do not even know if he currently resides at a hospice or has already passed. A situation which next to the sadness of seeing a beloved person go required some choices on how I deal with uncertainty and lack of clarity and on who I want to be.
Next, or rather at the same time, my husband and I finally have reached the end of our financial resources and – unless a miracle happens – will ask for help from the state, next week. As I have been in a similar situation, some years ago when I still lived on my own, this feels like a very challenging step for me. It is not because I am ashamed to ask for help. It is because I did not have the best experiences in dealing with the offices. As a matter of fact, it was not a good place to be at all for somebody wired like me (highly sensitive, highly empathic, and absolutely incompatible with the old system…).
Moreover, as soon as Kim and I had decided that we would go and ask for help from the state, a huge wave of fear exploded in my solar plexus which definitely was not my own. How do I know that? Because it was much too big for only one person. For three days in a row I experienced such waves of fear exploding in my lower chakras – mainly in my solar plexus – causing nausea and diarrhoea.
It only ceased to give way for womb pain when my monthly cycle set in on the weekend – earlier than I had expected it. And, boy, that was PAIN. At its peak it was so strong, that for a moment I was not sure if I would first throw up and then die or the other way round. Fortunately, I erupted into tears, instead.
Now, that the womb pain is over, the waves of fear are moving through my solar plexus, again. Although, I am aware that this is not my own fear it still shows up as an all-consuming experience at times. It takes up a lot of concentration to remember, that it has nothing to do with my own situation – which, as you might have guessed, in itself is not exactly un-scary, at the moment. Yet, deep inside I know that all is well for me. I know that I have created a loving and happy path for myself, even if it sometimes looks scary, at first.
When so many things come together it sometimes can seem difficult to find out where to start or which way to go.
A tactic that has proven helpful to me is to start with first things first.”
What does that mean?
For me that means that I have to find out what is first for me. Rather than reacting on the issue that is putting (seemingly) the most pressure on me from the outside, I take the freedom to choose and act on the task that shows up as most pressing on the inside.
In the case of my situation described above, this means to first give space to those fear waves. There is a lot of it going on in the world and obviously the world, our Mother Earth, can use help with it. Nations experience financial disasters, countries lie in war and streams of refugees are moving from the Middle East to Europe. Not to mention all the things that are going on behind the scenes and of which we maybe do not even hear of in the mainstream Medias. I can see how fear might be an issue within all this. So, this is what I choose to concentrate on, this week: Feeling through those waves of fear.
This makes sense from a bigger perspective, as well. By feeling through it and by that lovingly assisting a higher purpose, I also assist with setting a new standard for my own situation. After all, the source of the fear waves includes the authorities I will have to go to when I want to ask for money. Also, as long as I am at it I can parallelly feel through my own fears if needed. And finally I would not be of much use, sitting in front of the desk at the employment office and shaking like aspen leaves because I have not felt through those waves properly in the first place. (That actually happens when I try to shove it aside when the waves explode…)
How do I know that I have made the right choice?
One sure sign for me is that I instantly become calmer. I suddenly know where my head is, again, and can noticeably breathe more freely. This is something which in my momentary situation shows with particular clarity, as I become calmer and breathe more freely in spite of the fear waves washing over me.
Another sign, just as sure, is that I suddenly become unstuck and things begin to flow, again. In my current case this shows up, for example, by the fact that I have finally scanned in some documents which have been waiting for a week, that I suddenly feel the energy to write those letters which need to be written (for example, to argue about the fact that we owe lower payments to the health insurance than they would like to assume or to ask for deferment of payment or to inquire why the utility billing of our landlord shows such an exorbitantly high number…) and that I am writing this blog post after a rather long break.
How do I feel through fear waves like that?
First of all, I may mention, that I cannot not feel those waves. So, I have the choice to fear through them or to feel through them. And I choose the latter.”
A method that has turned out to be helpful for me in feeling through those waves of fear is Ho’oponopono. After feeling into the situation I decided to do Ho’oponopono meditations for at least 10 to 30 minutes a day plus every time when a wave moves through. I also have asked people for help. My mother is sending me energy, my husband is supporting me lovingly and both my husband and my mother are joining in with the Ho’oponopono. Further I asked the spirit world for help. In this case I mainly called on the Angels and Fairies.
Frantic or Self-Possessed
The big question in times like these is how we choose to experience them. Yes, we actually do have a choice. Admittedly, this choice might be easier to notice when sitting safe in my home and talking about fear waves moving through as opposed to walking 5.000 kilometres through half of Europe to make sure that my children can grow up healthy and in peace. On the other hand, I imagine that it takes immense courage and self-possession to actually go on such a journey into the unknown.
We do have a choice. We have options. We can opt for re-action or for action (or for response, as my husband likes to say). We can panic or choose to own our feelings as well as our destiny.
We can fear through times like this or we can feel through the fear.”
Personally, I am curious to find out what lies on the other side of the fear. So, I choose to feel through it.